Bittersweet: a blend of emotions that are sweet but also tinged with sadness.
The picture above is one of some of my friends and I before our first day of senior year. I thought this seemed fitting because I am going to be talking about how I'm feeling this year along with my thoughts about slowly transitioning for college.
If I could describe a word that I feel this year it would definitely have to be bittersweet. I am a senior in high school and in just a few short weeks I'm going to be having the most life-changing moments of my life. I was sitting in my car with my friend Ava and we talked about our future after high school. We had also played a game of we're not really strangers and she had pulled out a card and asked me “What would be the title of this chapter in your life?” and I said bittersweet.
For the longest time I really anticipated going to college and I was so excited. These past few days had made me realize that if anything I'm not really excited for college… I’m terrified. I honestly don't know why I ever anticipated going so badly. Maybe it's the fact that I didn't have a senior year and that I was wanting to replace that empty feeling of what could’ve been, or maybe I thought I was genuinely ready for it.
Last night I had another conversation with my friend Pete at 2 AM where we talked about how unready we were and to be completely honest out of everyone out of all my friends we were the two most prepared for sure, But now we are as lost as ever. I had mentioned to him how I don't know how anyone can just be prepared for this new chapter of their lives. Maybe some others handle it better than I do but as of now I've never been more terrified in my entire life. I know that college is going to be a great thing for me and that it’ll be some of the best years of my life but that doesn't change the fact that I'm still scared. I've always been really afraid of change because I get too comfortable with the environment that I'm in at that moment and because of that I never truly want things to be different even though I know it’ll be good for me. I know so many people who live in the moment and they really don't care about this type of stuff and honestly I envy them so much because I really wish I didn't care because there's not a single day that I don't think about it.
On top of this craziness in about a week an a half I’ll be 18… an adult… that’s scary to think about. Then in three-ish weeks I will be going on spring break with my friends and that will be the last week of enjoyment for me before things get really serious because I have to commit to college shortly after, take my AP exams, and graduate and while that seems really far away, it isn’t. It’ll go by in the blink of an eye like the past four years of my life did.
Don't get me wrong I'm also really excited for a new chapter in my life but every time I go to a hockey game, go to a friends house, or finish classes for a day I never stop thinking about the fact that I am a few days closer to the end of it all. I know I shouldn't think like this but what really did it for me was when I was going through my photo album from when I was a kid picking out pictures to put for my senior poster and I broke down crying because time had passed by so fast and I took it all for granted. In that moment I just wanted to be a kid again even with all of the stupid drama I had back then because I wanted all of it back so badly and it was what made my childhood the way it was. My parents on the other hand are taking it a lot better than I would've expected. My Dad is super excited for me to go to college, while my mom is a little upset about me leaving her which is understandable but they are taking it so well and it’s making it a lot easier for me to move onto the next steps in my life.
But to be fair I consider myself one of the lucky ones because even though I might not have had my senior year like I would've wanted, I'm glad to be able to have spent the first 2 1/2 of my high school years participating in every event, every sports game, every school theme and so much more so I don't leave with any regrets at least. Life is very confusing in many ways and is very unpredictable but I do know that out of it all I had the best of my time here as possible and because of that, that’s why I feel bittersweet about it because I know I have to move on. Time is a tricky concept, never take it for granted.
- Sincerely TT:)
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