2022

A quote from one of my favorite philosophers to summarize this post.

Wow. To say the least. The reason why I haven’t written in so long is simply because I have lost that spark. No matter what I write it will never be as good as it used to be, and I guess I’ve been spending these past few months trying to put how I feel into words, but it obviously hasn’t been easy. I know the year hasn't ended just yet and maybe I'm starting this post a little too early, but I want to.

2022 has been one of the most interesting years of my entire life and I’m here to tell you about it all. I ended my freshman year of college and I felt completely empty because no matter how much I hated being on campus at times, I missed all the friends and the memories that I had made with people that I'm going to know for the rest of my life. Living in the dorms is not the most ideal situation for many people, but I'm so glad that I had the best experience possible in them because the more I look back, I don't know where my life would've been if I didn't end up living in Middlebrook Hall/living in the dorms. I then started my summer working my full-time job at H&M. The main purpose of me working was simply because I wanted to make money, like most teenagers nowadays but I never anticipated loving my job as much as I did. Working in retail is not the most ideal situation I will be completely honest, I've had some very long days and some very terrible ones as well that made me think about why I still worked there, but I've had so many wonderful memories that the bad sometimes is just completely worth it because it's just funny to look back at it. I worked more this summer than I did relaxing and seeing my friends and I know that wasn't ideal for many people, but I really wanted to spend that summer just working on myself and getting a new perspective. I had realized I was a workaholic, I loved making money.

I started to realize that that was the last summer that I could've possibly hung out with my friends as much as I did which even though it wasn't a lot, it made me realize that these next few summers to come are going to be very internship filled, and we're all going to be busy. Sometimes I'm not grateful enough to realize how lucky I am to be able to see my friends because they're only a few miles away, but it made me kind of think about the fact that once we graduate college, we're all going our separate ways in some sort of way. I know it's early to think about this and I know that it's best to live in the moment but I've always been a very anxious person my entire life and I don't think I've ever spent any time worrying about what was just happening at the moment unfortunately, but I think even with how busy I was that summer, I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. It made me appreciate those around me a lot more when I got to spend time with them after not seeing them for so long. I really learned a lot about myself that summer and anyone who knows me knows that I hate summer, but I'm glad those 3 months were a path of learning and freedom, unlike some of the past summer’s I’ve had.

Once my summer had ended, I started my sophomore year of college. Now, this is where the story gets a little tough. Let's just say my sophomore year of high school was the worst year of my entire life and many people have told me that sophomore year was always the worst year. I went into it with no thoughts and came out of it wishing that I had thought more about what was going to happen to me that year. So of course, I was extremely nervous starting sophomore year of college because of it but I moved into my sorority house and the first two weeks were very chaotic but very fun. Then I had sorority recruitment and unpopular opinion, but I actually love recruiting and I just loved talking to so many new people. I wouldn't consider myself the most social person in the entire world, but I guess I have my moments. But after a successful recruitment, I had about two weeks to settle in and then I had homecoming. Let's just say my first month of college was so chaotic that I barely saw my high school friends.

Before I start, speaking of high school friends, I realized I never really talked about this except to like a few people but to preface, I didn’t hate high school. If anything high school gave me some of the best memories of my life and I know that sounds like very much I peaked in high school and I don’t consider me loving high school as someone who “Peaked” but I guess that’s completely up to you to determine after reading this but I did have a consistent friend group in high school and yes it's really easy to say that you hate your high school because in all honesty I wouldn’t consider my high school perfect and I love making fun of it because I am a hater but when it came down to the memories and all the friends that I made I am very satisfied with how it went and that is why I still talk to my high school friends and that I am still friends with them. Sometimes when I tell my college friends that I’m hanging out with my high school friends they get really shocked that I still hang out with my high school friends but I do know a lot of my friends out there had a really tough time in high school so I totally understand why they would hate it. That’s why I’m considering myself very lucky because even though it’s kind of weird to see every single person from my high school go to college with me, it’s nice to see people on the streets and then having them say hi to you. It baffles me how many people say hi to me every single day in the streets. Even though I didn’t hang out with my high school friends as much as I would’ve wanted, I’m very thankful for them.

But anyway, Once mid-October came, I felt very alone. As I'm writing this right now, I don't really want to talk about my feelings but writing was an outlet for me because I felt like I couldn't share my thoughts with anyone else and quite frankly I don't think many people are going to read this anyways so I don't have a problem but just sitting right here in my room thinking about these past few months sucks. I’ve spent so much of my time trying to forget it because it has been such a rough semester, but the issue is I can't forget about something when there was some good within it. Unfortunately to look back at the good memories, we can't forget the bad ones that went along with it.

Sometimes I think to myself how I'm the luckiest person alive but how is that not enough? How could I have everything well going for me but I spend most of my days thinking about how terrible my life is? Like I tell a lot of people sometimes you just have those tough days where you can't concentrate, and things are tough. I have everyone around me and yet I still feel the most alone I've ever been in my life. I decided what was best for me was to take some time and rest. After having some of the most chaotic few months of my entire life I had realized I never really had a break and that was an issue. But unfortunately, this semester if anything, a break was not possible because I was taking 20 credits (My fault), I was on my sorority exact board, I was in like four clubs and I was also working for most of the semester before I quit for a little bit. I had a really chaotic time, and I concluded what I really want for Christmas this year: A fucking break.

I so wish I could be a person that was social 24/7 and be around people for so long but unfortunately, I am not that person and I don't ever anticipate seeing myself being that person and that is perfectly fine. But, on a good note, I've talked a lot about my bad moments, and I'll continue to talk about them but I think in the meantime we can kind of discuss some of the great things that happened this semester they have really made my time very memorable. First off, recruitment was REALLY fun, and I love dressing up so to be able to do that for a full week was exciting for me. Homecoming week obviously was great and glad to say that we won pomping this year!! Paige if you see this, you are an absolute icon, and I don't know how we would've done homecoming without you. But that week was really fucking hilarious for me because I spent most of my time pomping at Dchi that it became my only priority and I had some of the funniest moments of my life there. Next, another few good moments have got to be all the study sessions at Walter library, and I know that might not sound as exciting for a lot of people but to me, I think a simple place to be with the people that you love is truly the best form of hanging out ever and I got so much done while also spending time with my sorority sisters. To all the Walter Bitches, I love you all. You guys make me proud to be Vice President of Academic Excellence. Of course, it wouldn’t be a fun semester if I didn’t bring up all of the times that my friends and I had gone to Sal’s together! To everyone that went to Sal’s with me to help me get my wings/wing bucket, you guys make me so unbelievably happy, and I am so glad that I have people to go with me to get them rather than me going by myself. I also went to a lot of my sorority events this semester which really helps when you're living in the house that it's more accessible to attend things, but I had a really good time. I didn’t go out too much this semester but all the times I did go out were always very fun and I’m glad to have made some great memories. I got my wonderful little, Ellen and also, I have to shout out every single formal dinner because Kayleigh and I are some of the funniest people alive or at least we think so. #twinflame

Lastly, this gets its own little paragraph because it is my favorite thing to do in the entire world during the school year: Attend the Gophers Men’s Hockey Games!! There’s nothing at this school that I love more than that team which doesn’t say a lot because I am a hater but I’m so happy and thankful for all of the wonderful people that went to the games with me and would actually go super early with me to make sure we got good spots. I’m so glad to have found a group of girls who loved the sport as much as I did. (Thank you to the “TT Loves Ryan Johnson” Groupchat) I’m also very thankful for a bunch of my high school friends being able to attend these games with me because in the past no one has ever really done that. Thank you to everyone for taking time out of your week to spend time with me and at my favorite place in the entire world.

Obviously, I have numerous more things to bring up, but I think I got the gist of it and I will be bringing up more good moments later in this post because like I mentioned earlier, I have had good and bad moments but there couldn’t be one without the other. But now we transition back to everything else. As you’re reading this you might think to yourself why did we just talk about the bad parts of my first semester and then bring up the good moments just to end up going back to talking about the bad moments? That’s because that’s exactly how my semester went. Most of my days consisted of me feeling like I was on top of the world and then the next second feeling like the absolute saddest person alive. If you’ve read some of my posts before in the past you’re going to understand that the writing style I have is very emotional, it’s more storytelling if anything and it's a great representation of my mind: all over the place.

I always feel down most of the time but something that I do when I feel this way is I lay down in my bed with all the lights turned off except for my Christmas lights and I stare at the ceiling, and I just keep staring until eventually, things start to feel OK again. I wouldn’t say this is the healthiest habit in the entire world because it’s time-consuming, but it also gives me a chance to clear my thoughts while also listening to my favorite music which is usually really depressing sad music, but it really helps me gain perspective and I guess that’s all that really matters.

After my sorority initiation in November, we had a ceremony called inspiration. I’m not supposed to talk much about initiation, so I won’t but I’m pretty sure I’m allowed to talk about this but basically, there are two rounds and the first round is basically kind of just shouting out a member of the chapter and the second round is a lot more deep and emotional and that’s when you start talking about your personal problems, how you’re feeling about life and so much more. Every time that there’s been inspiration, I have bawled my eyes out and this semester has been the most traumatizing because I cried for four hours straight. I cried so much that my eyes literally would not open afterward. I know people don’t understand Greek life and whatever opinion you have about it I want you to set that aside and just think about this ceremony that happened because it’s actually a pretty serious and meaningful one. When it got to my turn, I told everyone that I had the worst sophomore year of my entire life in high school, and I was really scared of going back to the way that I was back then because this sophomore year of college hasn’t been the greatest either. I didn’t realize I had so much pent-up anxiety and fear this year and after openly admitting that in front of lots of girls I started to finally realize, I was falling into that same trap that I was in back in HS, but this time I spent so much of my time trying to avoid it, I didn’t realize I was already in it.

This conclusion alone made me realize that was exactly what my 2022 year was about: The struggles I had within myself. I wouldn’t say this is the worst year ever, but it definitely is on the list for one of the worst. I go into every new year not having too much expectation because if things don’t go the way I was hoping it would go, then I’ll end up having a shittier time and that was what 2022 was supposed to be like but it turns out I had more expectations that I would have wanted and in result I have felt miserable. I also learned that the reason why I never felt certain fear for things like FOMO was because I had never been in a position where I was left out but this year, I understood what that meant for other people and even for me when I saw how greatly it affected them. Although I would say this year did go by quickly for how much I did struggle in it, I’m really lucky to have even realized that because I don’t think 15/16-year-old me would’ve ever thought that these struggles would end with time if anything, 15/16-year-old me would think life couldn’t get better here on out. I’m glad to have proved her wrong.

Everything in life is truly very simple and the only reason it gets complicated is that we ourselves make it complicated. Anxieties project our insecurities and sometimes we are afraid to admit it. I spent my time coping by reading and listening to music and when I realized just how much time I was spending on all these things it finally started to make sense. The amount of time I had spent reading and listening to music was such an unhealthy amount but at least I’m not doing drugs so I guess it could be worse.

This was a year for concerts for me in this is one thing I am very happy about because I love concerts and growing up, I didn’t get to go to as many as I wanted because no one really had my music taste. To be completely honest no one really has my music taste now but at least I’m able to find at least somebody to go to these concerts with and bond over artists that other people might not listen to. I got to go see Chase Atlantic, Big Time Rush, and I recently just saw the 1975 and I am still very much depressed that the concert is over because if you must know, I was a big Tumblr girl back in 2014, and that was when my emo era started. I am also convinced Tumblr is the reason for my depression but hey I got some good music out of it. But as for books if there’s anything that I am proud of this year it’s the fact that I read 140 books!! That’s more than some of you ever read in your entire lives and that’s perfectly fine. My goal for the next year though is I do want to encourage more of my friends to read whether it’s just one book a year, it doesn’t have to be very big, but I think reading is really good and healthy and brings a lot of good perspective so hopefully when you’re done reading this, you’ll pick up a book. You probably fucking won’t but hey I tried.

Now all of this leads to this exact moment right here as I am sitting in my room at home after finishing my last final for the semester and properly resting for the first time in months. I feel a lot more refreshed but I know that if there’s anything I’m confident about in my life, it’s that I’m always never going to have a break and if I do it’s probably not going to be for very long but that’s OK because as I am an adult, I don’t anticipate my life getting any easier here on out so I really need to stop fussing about the bad moments right now. Because in about 7 to 10 years I could be married with kids and thinking to myself about how I spent most of my life worrying about the dumbest things just to find out that as I get older it just gets worse. I’ll always be stressed but maybe right now I can learn to ask for support and help and not fight battles on my own but I’m very stubborn, so we’ll see how this goes.

In conclusion, thank you to everyone who has been so patient with me this past year. Thank you for reading another very jumbled, all-over-the-place blog post. I know a lot of you really like my blog and I am so sorry for not posting as much as I should be but hopefully, this post gave you a little bit of reasoning as to why I didn’t post. Cheers to the new year in two weeks and let’s hope that we all get what we deserve and to give ourselves that break that we really need.

Sincerely, TT